Before you turn out the light.

night-light-500

Today certainly hasn’t been boring, but it has been long. It has been tiring. And there is a hole in my heart. Now that Sasha is gone I am trying to remember all the good things – and I do.

But let’s be real here: the pain sucks.

Regrets have set in to haunt me – should have walked her more, should have spoiled her, should have should have should have. And the times when I needed to take care of me or work or traveled too much. Did she know how much I loved her? What was her concept of our relationship?

I didn’t know how I would sound as a grown man letting out all the pain I feel over the loss of our Sasha. I didn’t know I would bellow the way grown men do. I’m loud. I stretched out on the floor where I had to gently pull her blanket out from under a desk so that we could take her away from our home. No goodbyes for the others. No understanding of what was about to happen. Horrible sadness on everyone. Pain in her little body. Mother-in-law asking, “Is it really time? Are you sure? Maybe she’ll be OK. Maybe it’s not time yet.” She hadn’t seen what we’d seen.

I’m not ashamed of crying.

I’m not that type of guy.

I know what a real man does.

A real man fights for what is right whether or not that fight is popular.

I fight for animals. I fight for humans (also animals). And I am proud of that. I don’t always stand up for myself, but I stand up for others. And yet, with all of that strength – admittedly grown out of an insane amount of pain and suffering, as well as taking on the suffering of others and bearing witness when others wouldn’t – I still hurt so much.

I can hardly stand it.

The message here is slightly off, but it’s also somewhat spot-on, so I share it. This is from Night Light by Amy E. Dean:

When I hear somebody sigh “Life is hard,” I am always tempted to ask, compared to what?
Sydney J. Harris

We’ve probably heard all the negative quotations about life. There was also probably a time when we believed them all. Based on the state of our lives at the time, it was probably no surprise that life was difficult and brutal.

Certainly there are many things in life that are harsh and cruel; we see such things in the paper every day. But there are some very wonderful things, too. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned to believe the horrors instead of the wonders.

Today may have been a long, tiring, boring day. But that doesn’t mean all days are long, tiring, and boring. There’s much good in life that we can see if we let ourselves. We can get off our life-is-difficult soapbox and hear the humor, see the smiles, and feel the caring. Life may be difficult at times, but it is also quite fulfilling.

I need to feel that life is good. Tonight I will consider what event happened today that I can feel good about.

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